Found My NIche

I realized something the other day and it helped me to understand some of these odd feelings I've been having. Part of what I am feeling is being unsettled and I've felt this before. It's this feeling that leads me to believe something big is going to happen (or I know something big is going to happen). It's a mixed feeling of being a little sad but also excited- like there's change coming (which I don't like). There are lots of things in my life right now that could be causing this. One, I am working as a temp for a well known charity- I love the work and the people are nice but it will end in early June. Not knowing where I will be working after that could cause this feeling. Two, I don't have a church home- don't get me wrong I have plenty of places to attend church but right now I don't feel called to join any of them. It's a bit like being lost, this certainly could cause the feeling. The other day my Dad, who isn't a Christian said to me, "wold you just find a church and feel better already"- he recognizes that I feel a bit like Shel Silverstein's "Missing Piece meets the big O" (www.shelsilverstein.com). Then the other day, after forcing myself to go to church, I felt like I had part of the answer. At my old church I had served with a great team of people that I loved in a ministry that fit but more importantly my last job (in that same church) had allowed me to find my niche. I was an an assistant to two pastors there and I LOVED my job (even though the office environment was unhealthy and I did not love the office politics but I digress). Now I wouldn't consider myself extremely creative but these guys I worked with are, musically and visually. My niche was serving and assisting the creative people or organizing the creative peeps and I miss this a lot. I love being around people who use their gifts to glorify God and reflect His creativity. Fortunately I am still in contact with these guys- they're like brothers- but I don't work with or get to see them all the time and I miss that. I am praying that God leads me to my church home soon so I can get back to serving my first love- Him!

Unforgiveness

Recent events in my life have caused me a great deal of pain which has manifested itself in anger and bitterness. When the initial event (I'll go into depth in another blog post) occurred I prayed "God please take away this hurt". I took actions to help prevent triggering anger or pain- blocking people on Facebook, not looking at websites or blogs and asking people involved to just give me space- and it helped, or so I thought. God did a great thing and took away a lot of the pain pretty quickly (or at least what I would consider quickly). See I'm an emotional person and struggle with some things like not looking to the right source for self esteem (causing low self esteem), not trusting in the abilities God has given me, and anger are at the top of the list. On a side note God has given me two very good friends that tell me the truth in love and help me to grow into a better person when it comes to my weaknesses- I thank God for these people everyday (yet another blog post). Sunday was a struggle to go to church but I pushed myself to go because at the time I felt I should go to church and even though God knew my heart was chilled He blessed me anyway. I realized two things and one of them was that I was hardening my heart and becoming bitter towards these people that I feel did me wrong. He was right but I was and still am angry at the people involved in the events that caused me so much pain. I am so angry at these people I can't even look at their pictures or the website that their organization has. Here are the ways God reached out to me.

I love music- it speaks to my soul and their are songs that mark certain events in my life. Sara Groves has a song called Tornado on her "All Right Here" album. She's one of my favorites and I discovered her on a Time Life compilation album! Anyway here are the lyrics from Sara's website (www.saragroves.com)

• You live your life like a tornado

• Destruction follows everywhere you go 

• And you have no plans to stop or slow oh
• I will not let this bitter root grow in me 

• I will not let you leave that legacy 

• But it gets so hard when pain is all I see oh 
• Every time I find healing you're making a new mess 

• And I am learning the real meaning of forgiveness 

• And I tried to remove myself from your path 

• But I keep waking up in the aftermath 

• So I pick up again and say I won't look back oh

• And I will not let you leave that legacy 

• But this constant fight is breaking me oh 

• Every time I find healing you're making a new mess 

• And I am learning the real meaning of forgiveness
• And it hurts when you hit at the hearts of the ones I love 

• When everything you touch is rumble and dust 

• And it gets so hard to know how to trust 

• But I will not let that bitter root grow 

• I will not let it no no 

• But it gets so hard oh 

• Every time I find healing you're making a new mess 

• And I am learning the real meaning of forgiveness 

• And I could move and never send you a forwarding address 

• Or I could learn the real meaning of forgiveness 

 
God was saying to me- "you need to learn the real meaning of forgiveness, you have not forgiven these people like I forgave you, you don't need to worry about getting back at them- I AM will give them what they deserve and you may never see it." That is NOT what I wanted to hear, I want to see them squirm and I want to get even. Even though my heat was getting icy God still spoke to me- this time through a book.

I have been reading "Your Scars are beautiful to God" by Sharon Jaynes (www.sharonjaynes.com) during my quite time. What a blessing. Recently I read the following:

"Forgiving those who have hurt or abused us is perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of healing, but without it, I do not believe we can ever be free to find the beauty and purpose in the scars of our pasts. Actually, without  extending forgiveness, I believe the wound may not be able to heal at all. Each time we remember what was done to us, what was said and how we were wronged when we were oh so right - we pick at the scab of the offense and reopen the wound."
 
I am not healed of all the pain of this situation and I have to be so very careful that I do not let bitterness and unforgiveness to take root. I can't let my heart freeze over. This was my mistake- I thought the wound was healed so I picked at the scab and opened it up causing the situation to be so much worse than it was. Satan uses this as a tool to get at me and worm his nasty voice into my head. In reality I would love to leave these people and this situation behind me but I know that it would follow me. I have to remember God is bigger than these people, the situation but more importantly the pain. I know He is using this to make me a better and stronger Christian- of this I have no doubt. He truly does work all things together for His good. What I have to remember is the scab is not going to become a scar overnight.

I thought I'd end with this Rwandan proverb- "Bitterness is like drinking poison hoping it kills your enemies" which has worked it's way into the more recognizable saying - "bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting your enemies to die".

God please do not let me become a bitter old cat lady!

Making a Comeback

Wow- it's been a long time since I've written a post and I have a lot to say but I'll start out with why I chose the title "Making a Comeback". There's really two main reasons and one is rather obvious- the other well unless you are my partner in crime (of which I have a few) then you couldn't even begin to guess. So let's dive in- the first reason for the title, I am making a come back to the world of blogging. I had not kept up the habit but have been encouraged to do so by reason 2. The second reason for this title is that I feel like I am making a comeback in my spiritual and personal life (which I'll get into in later posts). In my quiet time I started reading "Your Scars Are Beautiful To God" by Sharon Jaynes and it has hit a lot of places in my heart and soul. The funny thing is I got it sometime last year from a friend and started to read it but never continued. When I thought that I was over the pain of recent events and then that pain reared its ugly head I picked up the book again. First of all I know I already have scars but the current wounds are not yet healed so I pressed on and read the first chapter. In that first chapter Sharon says, "Along the way you may realize your wounds have yet to heal. That's okay. We'll work on that together." I thought I was done with the pain and hurt of this particular ugly situation, I thought for an emotional person God did that pretty qucikly given the circumstance, but I wasn't. Reading that line in the first few pages confirmed that this book was a good choice. In the book Sharon encourages us to "show our scars" and I hope over the course of healing and using this blog as a vehicle I'll do that.  I have a friend who is in ministry and she writes a very open and honest blog, sharing some of her scars (if you want to read more click HERE). It has helped me to read about the scars of others so I thought I should share my story as well. If it helps one person then it was worth it but more importantly I want to give glory to God.